Oxford University Association Football Club

It is rumoured that Niko only made the team initially because he is very tall and posh, thus reminding coach Martin Keown of Toby Hodgson – ‘the son he never had.’ Niko has gone so far as to copy Toby’s goal celebration - apologising for previous misses. After an intense bullying campaign from captain Paul Rainford, Niko has emerged from his bout of depression to become a key member of the Blues team.

The competition for ‘poshest player’ is hotting up, but Niko seems determined to lose, and has employed various tactics – from wearing ‘chav’ tracksuits to training, to going all out and turning up to matches looking like a tramp.

Niko gets cramp in every game. Keown ran a fitness session in an attempt to prevent people getting cramp in matches. Niko got cramp.

Recent rumours continue to persist that Niko is looking to buy out OUAFC for £320 million, in order to make sure he starts every game. De Walden himself was unavailable to comment, but his butler was staying tight-lipped, saying only that Niko "was always considering how to extend his business empire". Insiders at OUAFC are privately thought to be furious that Niko only values the club at £320 million, but a public statement released stated, "whilst OUAFC have yet to receive any formal offers, we will consider any approaches made". City analysts have predicted the value of OUAFC to soar in future months due to their continued league success meaning an offer by de Walden would appear imminent. For the while however de Walden will have to hope that his recent lack of cramp will count in his favour and that he does not have to buy his way into the team.

Niko has recently had a dramatic loss of form, which has been covered up by the emergence of a "hamstring strain". Indeed his loss of form was so dramatic that the self-proclaimed superstar was dropped by Worcester College for their recent Cupper's victory. Failing to even make the bench, de Walden's misery was compounded by the fact he did not receive a medal despite scoring in every previous round. The hamstring strain excuse only has a week left, meaning that Niko better find his old form quickly, the sort of form that left him voted as the best striker in the university, ahead of fellow Worcester striker (and medal winner) Alex Toogood.

It is rumoured that Niko only made the team initially because he is very tall and posh, thus reminding coach Martin Keown of Toby Hodgson – ‘the son he never had.’ Niko has gone so far as to copy Toby’s goal celebration - apologising for previous misses. After an intense bullying campaign from captain Paul Rainford, Niko has emerged from his bout of depression to become a key member of the Blues team.

The competition for ‘poshest player’ is hotting up, but Niko seems determined to lose, and has employed various tactics – from wearing ‘chav’ tracksuits to training, to going all out and turning up to matches looking like a tramp.

Niko gets cramp in every game. Keown ran a fitness session in an attempt to prevent people getting cramp in matches. Niko got cramp.

Recent rumours continue to persist that Niko is looking to buy out OUAFC for £320 million, in order to make sure he starts every game. De Walden himself was unavailable to comment, but his butler was staying tight-lipped, saying only that Niko "was always considering how to extend his business empire". Insiders at OUAFC are privately thought to be furious that Niko only values the club at £320 million, but a public statement released stated, "whilst OUAFC have yet to receive any formal offers, we will consider any approaches made". City analysts have predicted the value of OUAFC to soar in future months due to their continued league success meaning an offer by de Walden would appear imminent. For the while however de Walden will have to hope that his recent lack of cramp will count in his favour and that he does not have to buy his way into the team.

It is rumoured that Niko only made the team initially because he is very tall and posh, thus reminding coach Martin Keown of Toby Hodgson – ‘the son he never had.’ Niko has gone so far as to copy Toby’s goal celebration - apologising for previous misses. After an intense bullying campaign from captain Paul Rainford, Niko has emerged from his bout of depression to become a key member of the Blues team.

The competition for ‘poshest player’ is hotting up, but Niko seems determined to lose, and has employed various tactics – from wearing ‘chav’ tracksuits to training, to going all out and turning up to matches looking like a tramp.

Niko gets cramp in every game. Keown ran a fitness session in an attempt to prevent people getting cramp in matches. Niko got cramp.

Niko has made a flying start to his OUAFC career, notching up some great goals in what is his debut season.

Niko went to Eton, but is barely a Ra.

Niko was unfortunately the subject to intense bullying from captain Paul Rainford, or should that be 'Nobrainford', leading Niko to consider suicide. Luckily for him, and the team, Niko has emerged from his bout of depression to become a centrepin of the blues team.

Niko has already established a reputation around oxford for being a bit of a player, with his rugged good looks and potentially violent streak.

Niko once turned up to a game looking like a posh tramp, with a strange combination of formality (shirt and tie) and sheer dirtiness.